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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Posted by joelbyer on February 18, 2008

As most of you know by now, and the rest of you are about to find out, I have an extremely warped sense of humour. So, you can imagine my delight when I stumbled upon profound Jack Handy quotes such as…

  • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
  • Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons
    of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the
    ones we already have.
  • If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  • As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a
    sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,
    and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
  • The memories of my family outings are still a
    source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a
    bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
  • Many people think that history is a dull subject.
    Dull? Is it “dull” that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn’t seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited,
    and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
  • I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”.
    It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and
    roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
  • If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand
    grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  • We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
    But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
  • Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
  • I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they
    chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
  • A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick
    of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”.

Man.
Some people are so smart.


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2 Responses to “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”

  1. mamabear said

    Oh wow those are great!!! 😀 I love the family memories one! hehe

  2. Julie said

    I absolutely love these! Thanks for sharing that warped sense of humour yet again!

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